


I beg for you to remember me

by Baryshnikov



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Emotions, M/M, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 17:09:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15369315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baryshnikov/pseuds/Baryshnikov
Summary: Tom remembers Abraxas getting married





	I beg for you to remember me

**Author's Note:**

> I am so tired, but I had to post this or it would sit on my computer forever, so sorry if it's awful. 
> 
> This is basically Tom's perspective on 'Don't take that sinner from me'

Tom remembered he hadn’t known how to feel about Abraxas getting married. Abraxas had told him by letter, not even in person, but he didn’t know what he would have done if he’d had to see Abraxas’ pretty face, had to see him bite his lip and offer a sympathetic smile. As soon as he’d read it, he’d wandered out, out into the rain not caring if it was cold, not caring if the landscape was blurred by rain, the countryside distorted until all he could see was the green of the trees mixing with the grey sky. He’d never wanted an attachment to someone so trivial, but the dull ache in his heart had told him Abraxas had been important, in his own, unimportant way.  
Tom had stumbled coming down on the wet grass. Little white daisies scattered around him, he’d picked at them until a small pile of drenched, limp flowers lay before him. It felt wrong, all of it felt wrong, but Tom hadn’t quite understood why.  
Abraxas was menial, just a moment in history, a side note, he was painfully unimportant, and yet Tom had wanted to cry.  
He’d looked up to the gloom, letting the rain fall onto his face, and he’d cried and pretended it was just the rain dripping down his cheeks, pretended he didn’t care.  
He had wanted to believe Abraxas was nothing, just a pawn to play with, just like everybody else. But Abraxas was special, he’d always had been. He was that one person who never changed, a constant pillar in his infinite swirling world. No matter what Tom did to himself, Abraxas would be there. He’d clean up the pieces, he’d wave those money stained hands and problems would disappear. So, Tom had cried for his favourite that was so much more, he cried heavy tears for his blond angel that would never be anything more. 

Tom hated that he remembered the wedding, he didn’t want to remember. He didn’t want to remember when they lay for hours by the lake and laughed together. He didn’t want to remember the first time Abraxas had kissed him: it had been raining, they’d been running back to the house and they’d stood in the doorway and Abraxas had kissed him. It was the first time anyone had kissed him, he could still feel the texture of his lips, could still smell but couldn’t name Abraxas’ expensive cologne, could still remember everything about that moment in devastating clarity. That was the first moment he’d ever felt truly loved by anybody in the world, but Abraxas had turned away, embarrassed, they’d never talked about it again. Tom hadn’t forgotten though, he couldn’t just forget how much he had wanted something, he didn’t know what, just something.

Abraxas was special. He was everything Tom wasn’t: refined, delicate, expensive; a confident rarity so aware of his personal value.  
Tom had wanted to look at him forever, just lying next to him staring at him like they had on his wedding night. Grey eyes looking at him with a need Tom vaguely understood but didn’t act on. He’d wanted to push Abraxas against the mattress and see that look in his eyes, the one he’d seen so many times in the last ten years but had never been on the receiving end of. He’d wanted to lie forehead to forehead, breathing in each other’s air. He’d wanted them to work out what was between them, what word could be used to describe their feelings. He’d wanted to kiss Abraxas’ lips and discover if they were how he remembered them. But he hadn’t. Instead, he’d turned away, murmured something about marriage never changing anything, and left Abraxas alone in the dark. 

He smiled through the wedding, it wasn’t hard. He had to, for Abraxas, had to for a friendship he’d never seen coming. Had to for loyalty, for decency and for Abraxas, whose eyes were swimming with ghosts. So, he smiled to hide how his heart was tearing itself into a thousand pieces, he smiled to tell Abraxas this was the right path to tread, however wrong it was to him. 

It was a beautiful wedding. Elegant, classy and glaringly formal, the bride and groom smiling to show the world what they wanted to see. Tom could see beyond the pomp and ceremony. He saw the secret whispers between the guests, the suggestions it was all a charade for politics, that love had never been considered, it was, but that truth would tarnish reputations. He saw how the bride glanced at her parents, still looking for their approval. He saw how the groom avoided the disapproving looks. He saw how they smiled as if it was the happiest day of their lives, all the while never looking at each other. Tom had never seen a couple look so lonely, so lost, so completely terrified of the future that neither of them had planned, despite knowing since birth it was the only inevitability in their sad, expensive lives.  
Tom had seen the new Mrs Malfoy follow her husband’s gaze to him, she’d seen how he looked at him.  
Later Tom had seen her crying in her pretty dress, alone in the dark, staring at the stars and wishing for them to change her fate. 

He’d seen Abraxas alone in the dark, staring at the stars and wishing for them to change his fate. At that moment, Abraxas had looked so small, so broken, and so overwhelmed by the world; and Tom realised he simply didn’t want to lose his angel, not until Abraxas understood how he haunted him.  
He’d kissed Abraxas under the stars. He’d taken his hand and locked their fingers together as if that could keep them together forever. Their hands stayed together as they’d ran up the back stairs, laughing for what felt like the first time in years. They’d kissed on the landing and stumbled into Abraxas’ room.  
Fumbling hands, and shaking finger, hopeful eyes, and trembling lips searching for meaning in the dark. Dreams of what could have been, collided, and secret smiles were revealed for the first time. Abraxas, just for a thousand heartbeats became his world. That one nirvana in a sea of regrets, an ocean of unachievable desires. Tom had pulled him closer, hands in his hair, touching everything in a desperate hope he would remember for the rest of his life what Abraxas felt like. He ran his hands across his spine, his fingers outlining his ribs, letting Abraxas do wicked immoral things that angels dream of doing. He was warm and slow, taking his time to explore everything as if he too were trying to remember every detail forever. When Abraxas fucked him, he was so gentle, hot hands leaving fingerprints, and lips leaving perfect blemishes that would last for an eternity. Their foreheads touching, lips stealing kisses, two bodies rocking as one, hands together, more a single flesh than any couple joined by matrimony. Their single breathing body and single beating heart that seemed so loud, and in that moment, Tom knew what it was like to be an angel. 

They lay there, hands locked together, staring into each other’s eyes clinging to a dream that didn’t belong in Abraxas’ exclusive world. Tom had remembered then crying in the rain, and he longed for a different world, for a world where Abraxas had no responsibilities, no obligations, no expectations. A world where Abraxas was as raw as he was, he wished his angel was as common as the soil his material world was built on. He didn’t know why he wanted Abraxas by his side forever, but he did. He wanted Abraxas as his single guiding light in his shadowy existence. But those dreams, those simple desires were impossible, so Tom stared and pretended the moment would never end.  
He’d woken up alone and in that early morning silence, Tom had laid there, staring at the ceiling watching a thousand dreams dissolve in the pale dawn. 

They lost each other too early and now Tom sat in the dark watching the stars, still dreaming of the impossible.


End file.
